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User blog:Lee Dixon/Lee Dixon Reviews: Final Destination 5
Hi! Before my Review of Insidious 2 comes out (It'll be tonight. I promise) I'll review Final Destination 5 The Review So Final Destination. This is a Franchise that is kind of interesting. Usually with simple fun deaths and clever foreshadowing. Here's what I think of the franchise so far...:Final Destination: Pretty damn good. Final Destination 2: Pretty okay. FInal Destination 3: Forgot what made the franchise good and was terrible The Final Destination: By far the worst one. Now what do i think about Final Destination 5. Is it a great return to the franchise or another bad entry? Let's find out. We start with some opening credits with some glass smashing cause 3D. and a Theme Tune that sounds like it's from a James Bond film...This is a weird way to start a horror movie about death... A WINDOW JUST SMASHED THROUGH FUCKING GLASS? LIKE AN ENTIRE WINDOW. THESE ARE WEIRD OPENING CREDITS. So after LITERALLY 3 MINUTES AND 45 SECONDS OF THE TITLES AND GLASS SMASHING OF A FUCKING 1 HOUR AND 31 MINUTES AND 46 SECONDS LONG MOVIE. FUCKING HELL. We start off with Oh hey! Food! That looks fucking delicious. They talk about shit. The Main character is trying to be a Chef and a Salesman? hmm. The Main Char wants to go on a Trip with his girlfriend to his brother's wedding. And his girlfriend breaks up with him. I feel sorry for ya man. Hopefully she dies horribly later in the film. We then get introduced to Nick (the Main characters) Best Friend's Girlfriend. We then get introduced to the Whore of the Film. Every horror movie has these nowadays. Again. Hopefully she dies fantastically. THERE'S SO MANY CHARACTERS HERE RIGHT NOW AND BECAUSE IT'S THE OPENING OF A FD FILM THERE'S GOING TO BE A PREMONITION AND THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE FANTASTICALLY AND I LOVE IT. We then get introduced t-THE GUY FROM ANCHORMAN? Someone Else: Will Ferrell. Me: The Other guy. Someone Else: Paul Rudd Me: The Other Guy Someone else: Steve Carell? Me: The Other Guy. Someone Else: David Koechner? Me: Yes that's it! We are then shown a Steel Mill or whatever. We then get introduced to the Main Black Guy of the movie. He's quitting I think. The Main Guy Nick is going to Paris (he's undecided) to be a chef. Letters on the Bus say "Watch your Step" Foreshadowing! I love it. The Main nerdy/Whatever guy is going to the Bathroom to talk. Nick then sees a bunch of logs on a Tow Up/Whatever Truck and they go to the North Bay Bridge. There's a large hole on the side of the bridge....That anyone could easily falls into. That seems like a safety hazard if someone tripped. They are doing work on it though. But still! They are so getting sued within 24 hours! Music starts playing. And it can't be turned off. A Ship sails through. and it gets windy. Death is here. O, Death! Circular Sawing the Ground. The Bridge starts cracking and several wires supporting the bridge fall Candice gets seperated from the group and falls to her death. Her falling looks bad but oh my god the Gore effects are nice. She gets impaled on the Boat's Sail and Guts go everywhere. It's lovely. Peter who looks a lot like Nick is there. The Guy in the Bathroom comes out going "What the Fuck" and the Bus falls into the water killing him. That was kind of hilarious. I must admit. The Bridge collapses more. Someone starts crossing the basically destroyed bridge. and does it. The Whore loses her glasses and Nick starts to help her. the bridge starts falling and she trys to grab the hand of the girl that crossed and falls into the Water. she rises up and a car falls down and crushes her. AHA! That's awesome. She should've got Laser Eye Surgery. The Black guy gets thrown away by a Bridge wire flying past and dies. Guy From Anchorman gets tar spilt on him and burns. Nice. Peter jumps for it. and arrives onto the side thing. Nick also does it. The bridge falls. Man that company is going to get so sued. The Poles from the back of a truck fall and impace Peter and Nick gets sliced in half Then Nick wakes up on the bus and it was a Premonition. The TV screws up. nick says they all got to get off. The Bus is missing the Left Phalange. Kidding of course. He says they're all going to die. Anchorman Guy states it's just construction, Nick takes his ex out of the bus. Peter also follows him after orders him. Other people get out. Anchorman guy, Whore and Black guy. (I don't know his name) and Nerdy guy gets off. Candice aswell I think. Everyone else dies in the bridge collapsing. Nick's in police custody because of the Words he used and how unlikely it seems he just knew the Bridge was collapsing and didn't cause it. He talks to the Girl she broke up with. Eventually he releases the Guy for...I don't fucking know? Maybe he blew the guy that said he was Free to go. That's likely by this point. I just checked. Anchorman guy's name is Dennis, Black guy's name is Roy. We see the names and pictures of all the dead people. And our main characters except Dennis meet up and talk. Dennis gives a speech. Whore Girl laughs. Whore Girl is now Demoted to Bitch Girl. Cook Nick cooks. Someone brings back food. Says it was falt. Someone else tastes it saying it was great and that guy's an asshole. Nick goes to his Ex's House. He asks to come in. She says no. Okay Movie Over, Roll Credits. She says yes. and then goes in. Kettle whistles. DO PEOPLE STILL HAVE THOSE KIND OF KETTLES? IT'S FUCKING 2011 IN THIS MOVIE FOR GOD SAKE. Light flashes on and off. LIGHTS flash on and off. OH GOD I'M BLIND! why did they do a close up of the lightbulb flashing on and off. They talk and shit. The Girl tries to convince him to go to Paris. Candice does some Gymnastics.. The Swinging bar is starting to break. She complains about the Air Conditioning which has failed. Peter cheers her on. She is extremely enthusiastic while putting the whatever it is stuff on her hands. Some water drips near an electrical wire. She walks on the balencing beam. The water is getting close to the wire. The A.C screws are becoming undone. There's a screw on the balancing beam. She just avoids it.. She finishes the Balancing Beam first try. Good work. The Wire's spark. the water gets close to her and she drops her towel on the water. She does the swinging bars thing. Someone now doing the balancing beam. steps on the screw falls over hits the powder which gets in candice's eyes. She fails the swing and snaps in half. This is my favourite death in the franchise. The Buildup is tense and awesome and it's just well done. Peter is very sad about Candice dying and Nick's sad too. Peter asks -MY GOD HE LOOKS LIKE TOM CRUISE. Peter asks why did it happen. The Cop guy stares at Nick and then Disappears. The Fuck? The Cop Guy was a ghost the whole time. That's the twist of the film. Bitch Whore Girl talks to Nick and Blonde haired girl. They clean out desks and shit. Nerdy guy steals shit from Dead Girl's desk and pricks his finger. Okay he's not Nerdy at all he just gave me that impression first time. Horror Movies usually only give glasses to Nerds. They gave the Glasses to the whore in this film and to whatever that guy is. Everyone is sad. I'm surprised. We're Forty Minutes in a FD film and 1 Main Guy is dead.. Not Nerdy Guy asks a girl out. Her name is amber apparently. There's a Please turn off all Cell Phones sign. He says it's his sister to the Receptionist. He thinks she's a Prostitute. And finds out she's just a Massage Therapist. Old Woman is now doing the Massage. . Back to office stuff. Bitch whore girl leaves and knocks over a photo of Her and...Was that the girl from Final Destination 3 with a Roller Coaster in the background? I may be mistaken. More talking goes on. I am horrified there's only oNE PERSON DEAD SO FAR PETER JUS FUCKING SMASHED A CUP he's a dick. more Cop stuff and Back to Isaac (the Pervy Guy) He's about to get Acipuncture. She speaks english. She's just pretending not to cause Y-I AM NOT SAYING YOLO. a bunch of needles gets put into him. It's gross.. He has to sleep 30 minutes before anything happens so he goes to sleep. The Candles's in the room go out. then a fire starts. Nick realizes. And shouts about it. No one answers. then the table collapses. and he falls on the needles ripping them and severely injuring him. He survived that. but then the Budhaa statues he joked about earlier.One falls and crushes his skull completely..Maybe it's not death but Budhaa all along. 51 minutes in a 1 hour and a half long FD movie and 2 people have died. Shit's about to go down I feel. OH also the No Phones sign was his phone that vibrated (someone phoned it) and that knocked down a candle and started the fire. Nick asks the Creepy Cop Guy why he's following them. He just says he's doing his job. he's also a Coroner. It's semi implied he's death in a way. He just explains what's happening to them and that Death's basically hunting them down. And they're all going to die because fate catches up with those meant to die. Nick states the Vision he had it won't catch up to Molly cause she was the only one that didn't die. Peter freaks out because he saved Molly over Him and walks off. BITCH WHORE GIRL IS AT THE Lazer EYe Surgery offices and is going to get one (I had foreshadowing as a joke in my review. Ain't that strange) She goes in the room ad looks at teddy bears in there because of some patients. She holds a Teady Bear because she's freaking out. I can barely watch this btw. I freak out with Eye stuff in movies. It's awesome though and I hate this character for some reason. Maybe it's because she's a bitch whore girl. So it's satisfying. He gets her to relax. Sets it up and OH GOD THE EYE STUFF. OH GOD. JUST SEEING HIM PUT THE THING OVER HER EYE MAKES ME FREAK OUT. WHY ARE YOU USING CLOSEUPS ON THE EYE OH GOD! she pulls off the nose of a bear. It goes on the ground. He says he'll be right back to get a new file. Cause the one in his hands is incomplete. Liquid goes over a socket. The Machine goes over the "must not exceed" number. She tries to push an emergency stop button. But it falls on the floor and pushes the start button. It cuts her eye. and she pulls off the thing. It burns her hand. Nick and Molly go looking for Olivia. (The Whore Bitch girl) she goes up blinded in her left eye. Trips on the bear nose and goes ut the window. She falls on a car (as opposed to a car falling on her) her good eye goes out and is crushed by a car..Wow. That was nasty. I barely made it through that. Nick and Molly seem to be back together. Nick writes some shit. They're figuring out the Order of Deaths. First is Candice. Then Isaac and then Olivia. AND NOW we're looking at Roy looking at security cam footage. then looks around the steel mill. A hook is there and the dick guy is hanged...OH THAT'S ROY. ROy's not the Black Guy I think. Black Guy is fine. Peter tells Dennis. I'm starting to confuse who's who. Dennis talks to the Cop guy through the phone about Pete sounding like a threat. Peter says about him killing him. And Roy/WHATEVERTHEFUCKTHISGUY IS says he thinks he did kill him and he traded spots (Cause he Died 3rd on the Bridge) and he's asking who dies next. It was Dennis. And he gets a flying wrench to the face. NO ANCHORMAN GUY! Nick and Molly talk. Nick goes to the place he's chef at. and Does Chef things. He gets several death scares. and ways to die. It's an actually kinda tense scene. THAT MADE ME JUMP. He pulls the plug out of the Meat thing that was rolling when he went to touch it. It moves again and he pulls another plug out. it stops. Nick takes the Job. Police Guy outside stakes out the place Nick is in at the Restaurant. Date with Molly shit like that. Peter comes in and looks very stressed. Yes I know this has been kinda more of a description so far than a Joke Fest. But it's kinda morbid to joke constantly when reviewing a movie about people dying. Peter really has that Emo Spider Man look. OH SHIT. KILL HIM RIGHT NOW. It's Emo Peter! Peter went onto a Walk before this and saw an opportunity to kill someone so he doesn't die ever 3 minutes but never took it. He can't kill someone that doesn't deserve to die. and then realized none of them deserves to die. and asks why Molly deserved to live..Kind of a personal question mate. He pulls out a gun and they managed to knock him to the ground using the table and they run. The Cop Guy reports the shot and goes in. I just hope he isn't 2 days from retirement. Peter syas he doesn't want to kill anyone. but he doesn't want to die either. Nick nearly gets stabbed by a Knife. FUCKING KNIFEY BASTARD.. The Cop Guy delivers a jump scare. and gets shot 3 times. by Peter. Meaning Peter switched places with that guy and he doesn't die. Wow. Cop Guy. Why did you need to be 3 days from retirement. Peter says because Molly witnessed the Murder she has to die. Damn man. Why you gotta kill him. Peter and Nick fight. GO ON NICK! KILL EMO PETER. The Gun gets put on the cooker and heats up. Molly attacks Peter. making him drop the knife. Peter gets stabbed by Nick! SO THAT MEANS NICK SWITCHED PLACES WITH PETER AND HE'S SAFE! movie over as they walk out. Roll Creditts. Oh wait. Two Weeks later. Molly and Nick board a plane. There's fighting and people get thrown off the plane. hold on a minute this seems familiar. Nick looks at his ticket. Volee Airplanes. May 13th 2000. Flight 180. Holy Shit. He listens to the music from the First Premonition sequence. A Kid got thrown off the plane cause he had a vision. The Engine gets lit on fire. Molly falls out the plane and dies. The Plane crashes and everyone dies. and shit flies off including the landing gear. Roy was about to die. So The lANDING GEAR crashes into the bar and crushes the Black GUy. Final Destination 5-1 is listed for a brief second and we are shown several death scenes from the previous movies. Like all of them. It's an incredibly cool montage and a great tribute to the Franchise. END OF FILM So that was Final Destination 5 with one of my favourite plot twists in a film that it was set before the entire series and kicked it off. It really feels like the finale of a Franchise and what better way to end it than at the beginning? With it being 3 years since FD5 it doesn't look like FD6 will be made. So yeah. Final Destination 5 is great and in my opinion the best of the FD franchise I give Final Destination 5 a 8 out of 10 Coming up soon. Later tonight shall be my Insidious 2 review and after that The Evil Dead reviews will finally start! Hope you enjoyed this surprise review! Bye! 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